There are so many posts in the works, but the photos are on the phone and the phone is on Dave.
So.
Read this. I wish that I had written it, especially the part about not losing one's self to motherhood, but getting over one's self.
I read the link. I think I interpreted it somewhat differently than you. What I saw when I read that article was just more of the "mommy wars" - women so defensive about their own mothering choices that they come off as judgmental of anyone who doesn't follow their path - be it breast feeding, schooling, number of children, etc etc. In short, I get a lot of the attitude from some mothers of large families (NOT you, mostly people on the internet, no wonder my husband thinks I should quit looking at it) that their situation is better, that they are better, that they have made the morally superior choice, because they have more children. Like somehow if you only have two or three, you're doing so for selfish reasons. When in reality you can never really know another persons situation. (I wouldn't mind more, but I started late and honestly never thought I'd be lucky enough to have any, I'm so grateful for the ones I have.) It's unfortunate that society makes women feel so insecure about mothering that we feel the constant need to justify our situations rather than just living them.
I hope this made sense and wasn't offensive. This stuff has been on my mind a lot lately what with all the camp Patton backlash, haha.
No, I wasn't offended. Funny that I can't even remember what she said in the article! My short term memory is failing me. I'll have to go and read it again! Oh, wait, I remember the bit about getting over one's self rather than losing one's self.
Ok, I went and read it again and realised one of the overarching points that I really liked. Maybe it is different in texas, but I have experienced time and again the sentiment when regarding a large family that our children (our precious children that we know so individually and uniquely) are just a mess of kids, akin to a herd of animals. "Uhh, they have six or seven or something. There's always another one." As if that other one isn't an irrepeatable human being. And I'm not exaggerating. The anti-child sentiment is very strong in Canada. As my doc once said (who has four herself), " when you announce your fourth pregnancy, people think your head just blew off." There are some people who really are genuinely helpful and admiring, but then there are others that truly look on with scorn. (Trouble is the helpful ones are usually so old that any help is useless;)) My Chiro said something about outgrowing our van and I said, "they each have a name, you know." I think that large families have become such a spectacle that it is hard to think of them as a unit made up of separate individuals. I remember growing up and being fascinated when a large family came to church. They were like a sideshow ... To which I wanted to belong! I think one of the hardest things about having a large family is feeling that you have to look like you have it all together in public because you've got to make this look good or people will have their assumptions confirmed etc.; as if you have no right to have a bad day because, gosh, there was a way to stop that foolishness, you know. Read mamaneedscoffee's latest post on that topic. I so agreed with her thoughts especially since I have reached that point where I sometimes want to hide the number of kids we have; and then I think, "wait, I am hiding Sarah, not number six." Also, I think that this subject gets discussed so often among catholic and Christian bloggers because those with big families really are in a minority and when they find support, even virtual support, an in-group is formed because that's just what people do. And, yes, I agree that it is very easy for those with large families to act as if they have chosen the better road when, in reality, no one other than God knows the heart of another couple. And, really, it is best left that way. I once heard someone bragging about how many kids someone had had in a very short period of time and I responded, "you know what? In two generations she will just be my great-granny who had a bunch of kids. Uhh, I think her name was such and such. We're not that special."
Okay, I totally get what you're saying about the depersonalization thing! That makes sense. It's funny, because I get asked A LOT when I am going to have another and if not, why not. I guess I should take that as a compliment that I don't look forty? Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking! Ha.
5 comments:
I read the link. I think I interpreted it somewhat differently than you. What I saw when I read that article was just more of the "mommy wars" - women so defensive about their own mothering choices that they come off as judgmental of anyone who doesn't follow their path - be it breast feeding, schooling, number of children, etc etc. In short, I get a lot of the attitude from some mothers of large families (NOT you, mostly people on the internet, no wonder my husband thinks I should quit looking at it) that their situation is better, that they are better, that they have made the morally superior choice, because they have more children. Like somehow if you only have two or three, you're doing so for selfish reasons. When in reality you can never really know another persons situation. (I wouldn't mind more, but I started late and honestly never thought I'd be lucky enough to have any, I'm so grateful for the ones I have.) It's unfortunate that society makes women feel so insecure about mothering that we feel the constant need to justify our situations rather than just living them.
I hope this made sense and wasn't offensive. This stuff has been on my mind a lot lately what with all the camp Patton backlash, haha.
No, I wasn't offended. Funny that I can't even remember what she said in the article! My short term memory is failing me. I'll have to go and read it again! Oh, wait, I remember the bit about getting over one's self rather than losing one's self.
Ok, I went and read it again and realised one of the overarching points that I really liked. Maybe it is different in texas, but I have experienced time and again the sentiment when regarding a large family that our children (our precious children that we know so individually and uniquely) are just a mess of kids, akin to a herd of animals. "Uhh, they have six or seven or something. There's always another one." As if that other one isn't an irrepeatable human being. And I'm not exaggerating. The anti-child sentiment is very strong in Canada. As my doc once said (who has four herself), " when you announce your fourth pregnancy, people think your head just blew off." There are some people who really are genuinely helpful and admiring, but then there are others that truly look on with scorn. (Trouble is the helpful ones are usually so old that any help is useless;)) My Chiro said something about outgrowing our van and I said, "they each have a name, you know." I think that large families have become such a spectacle that it is hard to think of them as a unit made up of separate individuals. I remember growing up and being fascinated when a large family came to church. They were like a sideshow ... To which I wanted to belong! I think one of the hardest things about having a large family is feeling that you have to look like you have it all together in public because you've got to make this look good or people will have their assumptions confirmed etc.; as if you have no right to have a bad day because, gosh, there was a way to stop that foolishness, you know. Read mamaneedscoffee's latest post on that topic. I so agreed with her thoughts especially since I have reached that point where I sometimes want to hide the number of kids we have; and then I think, "wait, I am hiding Sarah, not number six." Also, I think that this subject gets discussed so often among catholic and Christian bloggers because those with big families really are in a minority and when they find support, even virtual support, an in-group is formed because that's just what people do. And, yes, I agree that it is very easy for those with large families to act as if they have chosen the better road when, in reality, no one other than God knows the heart of another couple. And, really, it is best left that way. I once heard someone bragging about how many kids someone had had in a very short period of time and I responded, "you know what? In two generations she will just be my great-granny who had a bunch of kids. Uhh, I think her name was such and such. We're not that special."
Okay, I totally get what you're saying about the depersonalization thing! That makes sense. It's funny, because I get asked A LOT when I am going to have another and if not, why not. I guess I should take that as a compliment that I don't look forty? Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking! Ha.
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