Rather, tomorrow some of his field assistants will be pulling in to spend the night. When I was growing up, Dad's field assistants were always much older - a 21 year old university student is untouchable to a 13 year old girl. But then something happened. I grew up. Suddenly I was older than the field assistants. The students to whom I once looked with such longing are now a decade or more my juniors. Highlighting my seniority are the raw facts: I have a husband, a mini-van, a mortgage and four children. It is the latter point that brings me back to my question.
I was pondering dinner tomorrow night and wondering what these single, kidless students will think about a 31 year old with four kids and homemaker as occupation. Will our life silently confirm what so many people believe?:
It's all over once you get married and have kids.
Because as I wrestled with these thoughts I realised something about myself. I've always felt the opposite:
Life began when I got married and had kids.
How about you?
7 comments:
I loved this post!
The students you meet tomorrow will likely fall into one of two camps: those who love children and look at what you do with hope for their own futures (remember the 15-year-old girl I told you about the other day who wants 6 kids?); and those who think "thank God it's not me."
You will have already won over the first. Unless your kids are monsters (which they are so not) they will only leave happy and hopeful.
As someone who once belonged to the second group: it doesn't matter what you do or what your kids do. They just need to grow up (or not.) I always hated, hated, hated it when I made some comment like "I don't think I could handle kids," and was invariably told by the parents that "It's different when they are your own." (caveat: I have always adored newborns.) But it is so true. I can't imagine myself doing anything else now, and I LOVE not only my own kids but (and this part is important) other people's too.
(I am also reminded of one of the wisest things I ever heard, from a friend who had lots of women friends, who said "I find that when a woman says 'I don't want kids' what she really means is 'I don't want kids with the guy I am with now' (or 'I have yet to meet someone with whom I want kids'). And like it or not, that IS a big problem... not everyone is so blessed to find a man who would make a really good dad. It is a bigger stumbling block than you may realise, having met such a great husband for yourself relatively young.)
To sum up: Of the second group, some of them may always feel the way they do now, and there is nothing you can do to change that. But some of them will, later, totally change their views, and they will come to realise, as I did, that you were right: life was a mere shadow of what it could be before having children.
(I think that my comment was longer than your entire post. I seem to be doing that a lot these days.)
I have to weigh in, as mom to all of you. How can I not?
I just want to mention Sharon, one of your father's students. You know the story, she got her Masters under your father, worked with him a couple of summer sessions, then moved to Montreal with a career ahead of her and also got married around the same time.
Then she experienced a miscarriage last year,and this brought her face to face with the reality that many women sacrifice children for career. Given her own family background which was solid, she made an incredible decision. She turned in her notice (since her job meant a move away from hubby for long periods and how can one have family in those circumstances?) They have moved to Winnipeg, her husband is working in the north of the province and Sharon is hoping to have some children, she has no job at present.
She recently sent this news in an email to her friends. I like to think that her time with your father had some influence upon her decision, but most likely it is her own family that weighs in the most.
Sharon had the good grace to realise that you can't put off having children indefinitely; that sometimes having a family might mean closing other doors; I sincerely hope she has several children and I know that she and her husband will be wonderful parents.
Your father used to say there is a world of difference between those who have children and those who don't, and you simply can't share certain things with those who don't.
Be thankful that you are in the group that has the kids, because the others are missing out on the greatest opportunity of their lives - to go forth and multiply. Not only does this help the world, it heals our hearts and souls.
Well, your sister and your mother covered things pretty well, but I'll add my two (or twenty) cents.
I think that if your kids were beasts and you and Dave were dull and unhappy, those students would definitely see "life ends with kids".
But, fortunately, your children are beautiful, spirited and engaging. You and Dave are happy and full of life. And, most importantly, rather than feeling *trapped* by your life, you love where you are. I think the students are more likely to see things the way you do - that your life is just getting started.
And I have to whole-heartedly agree on two points: First, I am happier and more *me* now that I have a family. And second, I still don't really know exactly what it is my father does.
How can I weigh in on this, as I am only a mother to one, and he isn't even 4 months old?
Recently I saw a friend of mine who got married last month. I asked her how being a wife felt, and she said "not that different, really." I said, "well wait to you become a mother."
In all seriousness, everything *has* changed by having my baby, and so much for the better. I like what Jaclyn said, that she feels so much more like herself. How true.
There will always be people who think having kids is repugnant, and little can be done to change their hardened hearts, but with families such as yours, Elena, people who at least are *afraid" of having kids will see what a beautiful, joyful life it is.
I only have one thing to add. Jordan (my husband) used to make fun of me for reading blogs... and I only read two (yours and mumologic). But for the past month or so he has gotten in the habit of reading your blog (I discovered this fact by accident as I am sure he would have never admitted to it willingly).
Anyway, my point is only that your family is a witness to all those around you of the love of God and what it means to be a beautiful Catholic family. What a blessing for them to get to be a part of your life even for a short time!
Even if these students don't get it, they will for sure feel something. If Jordan reads a blog because of your witness, I know you will be a witness to these youngins.
alright...as a woman who is not a mother but loves her mother...here is my 1/2 cents worth...even if these students are all 'baby haters" (i am sure they are not)...the witness of your family will certainly do much to change their attitude...I know I have met your family for 2 minutes and I was changed...and i like babies..especially cause they are other peoples (ha ha)! seriously.. you are an amazing witness and that cannot go wrong! Enjoy your company
When we took our 'God classes' (as Callum called them) through the church just before we got married I remember turning to him during one of our 'go away and discuss' times and saying, "I know I will want children, but I am not ready for them now so I'm afraid I will just say I do not want to have children." weird wording...sorry!
He felt the exact same way. He was actually worried about that conversation because he could not put it into (such great) words like I did!! ;)
So, I think that I would have been one of those students who just wouldn't think about it. At 21 I didn't think past 22.
Really, I still think that I am the same person that I was before marriage/children. Down to even looking like I'm 21! :oP
I just have added bonuses!!! HUGE added bonuses in the name of Callum and Geordie!!!
Life was good before AND after the family thing. It's just good in different ways.
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